What Kids Really Think About Mom

Have you ever noticed that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

What Kids Really Think About Mom?

Why did God make mothers?

- She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

- Think about it, it was the best way to get more people...Mostly to clean the
house.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

- I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

- They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?

- His last name...

- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Did he say ’no’ to drugs and ’yes’ to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom...eats a lot...

- My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who’s the boss at your house?

- Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball...

- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

- Moms work at work and work at home,and dads just got to work at work...

- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them...

- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

- Mothers don’t do spare time...

- To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What’s the difference between moms and grandmas?

- About 30 years.

Describe the world’s greatest mom?

- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!...

- The greatest mom in the world wouldn’t make me kiss my fat aunts!...

- She’d always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?

- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist...

- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them...

- Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

- On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery...

- Diet. You know, her hair. I’d dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that...

- I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know, it was my...sister who did it and not me.

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